WHO: Swine flu pandemic has begun, 1st in 41 years. We are officially in phase six of a major flu pandemic. Time to start preparing:

Onward with the installment of how to survive the swine/bird flu:

1. Allow your baby to lick the pig.

Perhaps this child lives on a farm and does a daily pig licking and has developed an immunity to swine flu ( sucks for the rest of us). It is important not only to allow your child to pet animals, but also lick them too. Perhaps no one will follow because it’s not PC to have “People licking Pigs," but I'm playing it safe. I shall follow his example and partake in this pig licking ritual. Prior this, immunity does not exist.

2) Gas Cheap Gas

No, not from swine flu. As in, I can put this in my car again, and leave, in case Boston becomes a city devastated by the flu. I’d feel pretty safe cruising around in this protective piggy.

3.Clothing Add-ons.

In years past, I had to be embarrassed of my holey, too small shorts left from when I was 16, but now I can cover up in these new fashionable protective spacemen suits. Now, no one has to dress up, which means I won’t be ashamed and groove with my old clothes. In fact, now I can make a fashion statement.

4.Infection means Injection... by Cobras?
The swine flu hit the pandemic alert just as the weather got warmer. In years past, I had to a) be embarrassed by unholy paranoia of a pandemic flu b) put myself into credit card debt to buy tamiflu for me and my loved ones. Now, no one has money, so no one can buy tamiflu, which means I won’t be ashamed to preach to the choir about the importance of preparedness. In fact, now I can make a statement of how the apocalypse is coming. (Again, this strategy may be more effective in Boston and other major metropolitan cities where I can blend in with other paranoid crazies.)